My first job in journalism was at TNT Magazine (2000-2003), which was in its heyday as a go-to resource for young antipodeans living in London for planning their trips around the world. I did some amazing research trips to Thailand, India and Southern Africa, among other destinations. At the same time, our editors gave us junior staffers real freedom to experiment with our writing and so I chose to write up my experience of white water-rafting the Zambezi river in Zambia as a sports report, as if it was a battle between the rafters and the river itself. Great fun, and more than a little terrifying (I’m the one who falls out of the raft and comes up underneath it!).
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Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to today’s battle between Zimbabwe’s great Zambezi
river and its challengers, the London-based Warriors. Today the Warriors are led by their guide Wellington, a 6’5” mean machine who faces this task every day of the week. His team consists of two Australians, an Irishman, one Brit, one South African and a Zambian, five of whom have massive hangovers — as if their task wasn’t hard enough. Competing for the Zambezi are 23km of the river’s wildest rapids. The steep cliffs are 100m high, the river’s depths range from one to 112m and, to top it off, she’s even got a few crocodiles on side.
People have been shooting the rapids here in the Batoka Gorge since 1981, and this contest takes place just weeks before the water reaches its lowest —and most dangerous — level. The Warriors make their way to the water’s edge, where they’re given a few pointers on how to shoot the rapids. A quick practice session on rapid one almost throws them out of the boat, but they cling to the left side and manage to survive. Through rapid two they go, no difficulties there. Next up is the rapid they call Morning Glory. Will this wake up our team and will they show the Zambezi what they’re made of?
“Dig it in, dig it in!” Wellington yells. What’s this? Yes we’ve lost one, nope, two. The Warriors are two down. There they are; you can just see their orange jackets bobbing up and down. The safety kayakers are heading out to haul the pair into the boat; they’re OK. At least they didn’t flip the boat. Two points to the Zambezi.
The next rapid is also a grade five, nicknamed Devil’s Toilet Bowl. Have our team learnt their lesson? Into the rapid they go, “Get down!” screams Wellington. They get through it, but they’ve swallowed a lot of water. The Stairway To Heaven is more of the same; no losses here, though, and it’s on to Gulliver’s Travels and The Muncher, grade four and five rapids. They get through alright, but before they break for lunch they witness just how vicious the Zambezi can be at number nine rapid, Commercial Suicide. Under game rules, they can’t take on number nine, so they walk around the rapid. The rafts are floated down the river without the team. Earlier we spoke to Wellington about Commercial Suicide. “Yes, I’ve been down number nine a couple of times before,” he says. “It’s not something you can take lightly.”
He’s a brave man, that Wellington. Just one more rapid before lunch. This one’s called the Gnashing Jaws, not something you want to see from below, especially when you’re low on energy.
“Work it, work it, dig it in, dig it in!” shouts Wellington. And they’ve made it. The Warriors are feeling pretty chuffed. The worst is over, but there could still be trouble ahead. After lunch, they’re up against number 11, the Overland Engine Eater. It isn’t too ferocious and through they go. These Warriors are getting the hang of this river.
With a break in the rapids, the Warriors sit back, take off their life-jackets and helmets, retrieve the cigarettes from the dry-pack and light up. They have 20 minutes before the Zambezi bites back.
After enjoying the ride surrounded by huge rocks, barren cliffs and a few sandy beaches, it’s time to get back in the boat and face Terminator One, Terminator Two, Double Trouble and Oblivion.
The Zambezi won’t be taken lightly and the team are starting to realise that it’s not going to be plain sailing from here. Double Trouble is only a grade three, but it claims the only female member of the team. It’s only a short swim and it’s less than 10 seconds before the boys haul her back in.
She’s not fazed by her experience, though. “If that’s what it’s like to fall in, it’s not too bad,” she says. Next up is the team’s last big rapid, the final grade five of the day. Will they make it? Into the rapid, and they’ve lost one already. It’s the girl again, but where is she? She’s under the water, she’s been down a while, she must be hoping her lifejacket will bring her up. She’s under the boat; her head bounces the bottom canvas and she’s pushed back under. There she is, she’s finally surfaced.
No wonder they call it Oblivion. She’s gasping for breath, water is in her eyes. She can hear her teammates screaming ‘swim’, but she can’t see them, the waves are too high. The safety kayaker is paddling to her rescue. She grabs the front of the kayak and is helped into the boat. She’s gasping for breath.
You can never underestimate the power of the Zambezi. They go into the final rapid, The Last Straw, with Wellington cruising through with a lit cigarette held above his head. Now that’s style.
They’re through. And that concludes today’s battle between the great Zambezi and the Warriors, whose hangovers seem well and truly cured. Let’s just see what they make of the climb out of the gorge.